The End

On May 14 my mom died.

It has been over a month and I still don't know what to say. I think that about 98% of the time I am living on autopilot, in denial. The times it really gets to me most is when something happens during the day, some little thing that I wouldn't bother to tell anyone else (or couldn't), and I think about how I could tell her about it the next time we talk. Except I can't.



The story. Early this year my mom found out that the clinical trial chemo she was taking in Omaha wasn't working. Her doctor suggested another chemo that sometimes helps with Leiomyosarcoma, one that she could take at home in pill form. But it was hard on her. Things had been going downhill for a while I guess. But by April she was losing weight and having trouble cooking for herself. Jaime was already doing all of her cleaning and grocery shopping. So we decided to move in and try to help her out. Well, that didn't work out so well. She likes things her way and we never did get comfortable there so two weeks later we moved back out.



Just about the time we moved out my mom decided that the side effects from the chemo weren't worth it so she stopped the chemo. At this point she had tumors in both lungs and two in her pelvic area that we know of. Jaime and I talked and we were thinking that she might not make it into next year; 2009 would probably be her last Christmas.



So as not to worry me, in true Mommy fashion, she didn't tell me what was really going on. I knew that my aunt had been helping her out since we had moved out. One night my aunt called and said my mom wasn't doing well. We didn't know much then, but she mentioned that her long term care insurance wouldn't help because they need 90 days notice and she likely didn't have 90 days.



At this point my mom was no longer leaving the house. Hospice nurses were coming over several times a week to check in and get her what she needed. A couple days later I left work early so that I could meet the nurse when she was checking in. She said we had a couple weeks.



Days went by and my started using a cane to get to the bathroom right outside her bedroom. Then she opted for a bedside commode and stopped leaving her bedroom. She virtually stopped eating; having a half a jello cup for a meal.



On Friday May 8th the nurse said she wasn't sure my mom would make it to the next scheduled visit on Monday. That Sunday was Mother's Day and that is the day that we said goodbye. She was ready.



I got no sleep that night. I kept waiting to hear the phone ringing, my aunt calling to say she was gone. I took Monday off of work so that I would be around in case. The nurse came and told us how strong my mom was. It could be any time.



I had to go to work the next day. I would have lost my mind sitting around and waiting. My mom wasn't in the mood for company anyway. Every night after work I'd stop by to see how things were going, give her a hug and kiss, maybe tell her a bit about my day. She was always pushing me out the door, telling me to get home and spend time with Junior, to rest after a long day at work. We had said everything there was to say.



Thursday after work my aunt stopped me outside the door and said that there wasn't much time left. I still wonder what the nurse saw that made her decide that. I went upstairs to say hi and rather than being under the covers as usual she had all the covers off and an icepack on her forehead. By this point she wasn't eating of drinking and her mouth was so dry she could hardly talk. I sat with her for a few minutes (she said my hand was too warm so I couldn't hold her hand) until my aunt came up. I went to my car and called Jaime to tell him I needed to stay a while and see what happened. She hadn't told me to leave yet and I knew that wasn't a good sign.



So I sat with her. Flipping over the icepack every few minutes when it lost is chill. Finding a fan that I could point at her to try and keep her comfortable. And then I watched her take her last breath.

I don't know if anyone has made it this far, or if anyone even checks this blog anymore. But I needed to get this out. My mom gave me so much in life. Most of all, and the thing that I will never forget, was her love for me and for my Junior. I will miss her every single day, but most of all I miss that Junior won't remember her and how much she loved him.

New Year, Same Old Me

(4/143)
Happy New Years everyone!! I hope you have all enjoyed looking back at the past year and looking ahead to the next.

When I think about 2008 all I can see is how damn lucky I am. I have never been happier in my entire life. The depression has lifted. (Don't get me wrong, I get down sometimes just like everyone else, but I can move through it and past it now.) I have the most amazing family. I have a job that I love and that is pretty darn secure (knock on wood). While all around me, all around the world, there are people losing their jobs and their homes here we are having one of our most stable and prosperous years ever. (NOT that we're rich, just that for once the money I bring in is pretty close to covering the bills. It hasn't been like that since....ever.) Enough reflecting. Point is, '08 wasn't bad.

The wonderful thing about starting the 101 in 1001 in December is that I don't have to make any New Year's resolutions. I feel like I pretty much covered all the changes I want to make and the goals that I have already. I just need to act (my downfall).

Here are some belated Christmas pictures. Meant to get a post up, but I suck. Christmas was pretty fab. Jaime even enjoyed it and he is a Scrooge. Junior really helps put some magic back into the holidays.






me, Junior, and my mom or "Granny Jenny"

Suburban Farmgirl?

What can I say? I'm a total Violet (of Lime & Violet fame) follower. First she got me addicted to Plurk. And then, the Plurkette Hencircle. I tried to hold out, but they she mentioned a project. I LOOOVE projects. So this is project #1, my introduction.

I'm Vicki, hi. I have a wonderful husband, Jaime. We've been married for almost a year, but we've lived together for 6-ish years and been together for over 7. We have a sweet boy, Junior, who is almost 11 months old (can't believe that). His middle name is trouble, and he has the sweet smile and beautiful blue eyes to get away with most of it. Jaime and I are working to re-claim our relationship after adjusting to the baby.

I work for the US Geological Survey as a budget analyst. It isn't what I had always pictured myself doing, but I have a thing for numbers. I LOVE my job. I work with some wonderful people and, while I don't always understand what the scientists are doing, I know it's important work. I'm so lucky I can leave my baby with someone I totally trust, Jaime.

I used to have lots of hobbies, in the pre-Junior days. I'm also still adjusting to having a baby (and a job). I have just recently realized that I need to take care of myself. Even if it's just 20 minutes for an exercise video and an hour for knitting before bed, I need that me time. Eventually I will get back to reading (I miss you reading!) and scrapbooking (god knows I have the pictures now). I would love to really throw myself into quilting and spinning. And I've always been down for some random craftiness.

The only other big aspect of my life if my mom. She was diagnosed with breast cancer my freshman year of college (she put off telling me so I would be able to concentrate for finals). She opted for a double mastectomy, so fortunately that cancer hasn't been a problem since. Less than a year later, however, she was diagnosed with leiomyosarcoma in her uterus. This isn't a cancer that surgery can make go away, it just hides for a while. There is no recovery. Since then she has been through multiple rounds of chemo and radiation. She has had surgeries to remover tumors in her ureters and her lungs.

Sooo, why the desire to nourish my inner farmgirl? I need simplicity. I love the whole idea of creating. I also love the idea of the sisterhood, the connection. I have been thinking a lot about connecting lately, especially as it relates to my blog. I was thisclose to retiring the old blog. But I just couldn't do it. I love being able to share myself with this community.

For anyone visiting my blog for the first time, I hope I've given a pretty good picture of who I am. And if anyone else is still reading, hopefully I've shared something new. I can't wait to see what adventures and projects are coming up.

Changes

This new life of mine is just filled with changes. I've always been big on continuity, stability. Change scares me. I get really anxious when I have to go to a new place or try something new, even when I know it will be good. But lately, I've come to embrace the changes that are taking place. Looking back at all the changes I've been through, I realize that everything that has happened to me has happened for a reason, to get me to this amazing place where I am now. For once in my life, I wouldn't trade places with anyone.

So, it's been a month since I've posted and so much has happened I hardly know where to begin.
I'm now back at work and that has gone so much better than I thought. I really enjoy what I do. I love the people that I work with. Being back at work makes me feel human again. I have a reason to get dressed in the morning, I am more than a pair of breasts. And Jaime is just AMAZING as a stay-at-home dad. Of course, he's almost too amazing. Ever since Junior got home, I've felt that Jaime was just a bit more in tune with the him. That has become even more apparent now. Jaime always knows what Junior needs, can always make him laugh or "talk." It's hard not to feel like my being gone everyday means missing out on the bonding. I've gone from the one Junior needed every 2 hours to feeling like they don't need me at all. I'm trying to frame the situation, and remember that it is good that Junior is home with someone who loves him and who is so good with him.



My mom is back to doing chemo. Can't remember what the last update I gave on her was, but they found a tumor in each lung that were recurrences of her leiomyosarcoma. They were able to remove both and now she's doing one week a month of chemo in the hospital. She has had a few issues with this round, but overall she's still doing really well. Of course, she is just completely in love with Junior. I try to make sure that they get plenty of time together, even though she isn't able to babysit anymore.



Life means change, especially with a sweet boy growing so much everyday. Guess I better get used to it.

A Good Day

Although you probably can't tell it from my blogging schedule, I've finally gotten over the summer lazies and have begun the productive phase. I do this same thing every break, waste a couple weeks doing nothing and then suddenly decide I have to DO something. I've been making lists and getting stuff done all week.

*I've started my online class, Technical Writing. It shouldn't be too bad. I have to write a sales letter and a user manual among other things, but no 10 page papers. Thank God!

*I've applied to a few places for a job. So far I've applied at Michael's, JoAnn's, a scrapbook store and Kohl's. Still hoping for a call...

*There was a bit of a booboo in my mom's taxes from '04 (which I did for her) so I had to write a letter to get that straightened out.

*More cross stitching (progress pictures eventually, it doesn't grow very quickly though).

*I've finished up a bit of spinning. I spin until I feel it's about full, then roll it off onto a toilet paper roll and try to spin the same amount to ply with it. Halfway to a skein of yarn, woohoo!

*I've managed to clean up a bunch of my clutter, like my desk and our file drawer.

And the biggest accomplishment, I finally got my butt in gear and signed up for Weight Watchers. My aunt goes on and on about how amazing it is and finally convinced me to try it. Well, and a girl who works with my mom's financial planner wanted to start too so I had a buddy. I'm so pumped to get going and lose some weight. I'l try to post my progress from time to time to keep me honest.

Mom Update
I really should rename this the Mommy and Me blog ;) My mom is doing really really well. She's now been through two sessions of chemo and still she's up and active. There has been a bit of nausea and constipation, but nothing bad at all. SUCH a relief.

A Title Would Require Too Much Thought...

School Update
School is finally over and I'm just beginning to catch up on my usual laziness. The school website is down so I can't find out what grades I got, but I'm sure I did well enough. Well enough for me at least. My dad won't be thrilled because I didn't get all A's, but whatever. At least it's OVER! I'm actually taking an online course through the community college over the summer, but it shouldn't be too big a deal.

Fun finals week story. So, I had two finals scheduled for 7:30 AM, one Monday and one Friday. (7:30 AM is an ungodly hour for a final to begin by the way) And one of them got pushed back to 8 (thank god!) because it wouldn't take the full time anyway. So I study Sunday night for a few minutes and show up Monday morning at a couple minutes to 8 with nothing but my notes for that class (for some quick cramming before the tests were passed out). And for some reason there's another class in the room. Uhh, did I miss something? Yeah, I call Jaime to check my Palm calendar and I've mixed up my 7:30 finals. I'm supposed to be in the middle of the other one, which is an open note test. Did I mention I had nothing with me?? So I cried and I drove back home and emailed the teacher begging to take it another time. Fortunately he let me, but I was completely terrified for the rest of the day until he got back with me. Yeah, my mind was soo not on finals, obviously.

Mom Update
My mom is doing pretty well. She made it through surgery all right and has only made me crazy a few times. The pathology reports said it was a recurrence of the sarcoma she had last time and she'll be starting chemo Friday, assuming they ever confirm the appointment. More than her annoying me, although like I said there have been moments, I've mostly been annoyed at doctors. We've spent so much time waiting for calls back and for appointments to be confirmed. I do realize that the nurses and doctors are very busy, but it gets frustrating. We actually went to a "Cancer Action" center yesterday and she picked out some scarves and a wig for when she needs them. She seems to be taking things pretty well right now. I'm just trying to prepare myself for whatever I may need to do to help her. I'm generally a patient person but she just gets to me for no reason, so I've been trying to work on that. Ahh, personal growth here I come.

Knitting Update
There still hasn't been a whole lot going on. When I get a chance to veg out I don't even have the energy to knit. I did manage to knit my mom a really nice washcloth for Mother's Day. And I finished up a child sized hat for Dulaan. Nothing terribly exciting. Oh, and I knit a bit more on my spiral scarf. Enough to finally conclude that me and Addi's don't mix well. Every pair I've had now the finish eventually starts wearing off. I'm thinking maybe it's like those people who can't wear a watch cause their chemistry makes the watch stop working. Something in my chemistry just erodes Addi needles. Yes, I am a freak :)

This doesn't relate to my knitting, but I just wanted to say a public thanks to my new friend Erica and her mom for knitting up a bunch of great things for Dulaan. Before winter break I mentioned on a knitting list on Facebook that I was knitting for Dulaan and that I'd be happy to send along stuff from anyone else who wanted to help. I am so glad that I decided to get the word out, Erica and her mom were awesome and put my donations to shame.

Random Stuff
*I've actually been reading a lot more lately. Hmmm, escapism much?? I just finished a great book by Jane Green. She is now one of my favorite fun authors. No, she probably won't change your life, but that's just fine.

*I totally owe you guys some pictures! I have a whole series from Polski Day with my dad. It seems like it was AGES ago. And I have a couple cute ones of my mom and I. And I might even get around to taking some pictures of my knitting eventually...

*This weekend is Memorial Day and therefore party weekend at Aunt Cathy's. It sounds like it'll be packed with random relatives this year, so it should be interesting. My family (and when I say family I refer to my dad's side) is unique and wonderful and beyond description. Gotta love em :)

Life Update

Ups and downs. That pretty much sums it up.

My mom's minor surgery went well last week, now we just have to make it through the next one this Friday. I'm not terribly worried about the surgery now, and I don't think she is either, it's the stuff afterwards that we're all stressing. My mom's still scared and unsure about the chemo. For a while I was really angry that she was worried about being tired or nauseated when it could save her life or at least extend it. And I was angry at myself for being selfish and thinking she should do what she could to stay alive for me. I'm starting to get over that now, I still hope she will decide to go through with it since the study she found says there's a 50% chance it'll help, but I can sort of understand her thinking.

Besides stressing about that and school and family and a job... I haven't been doing a ton of knitting. I started a washcloth for my mom as she was complaining about hers being really old and too rough. It's nice to be able to knit something that can comfort her in some way while I'm thinking about her and sending good thoughts. Almost a prayer washcloth :)

And of course I'm ridiculously behind on my blog reading and podcasts. Just not enough hours in the day. Have a great day everyone!

Busy Busy Busy

School has been keeping me super busy lately. Only a few weeks left, but so much more left to do. I talked to a counselor about the masters program, which of course means I need to make more decisions. I'm just so tired of thinking about what classes I should take and when I should graduate and whether I should get a few grad credits or just finish and if I can even afford a masters at all and and and... Pffff!

Aunt Vicki was in town for a few days and of course that meant lots of random fun. I think Jaime's feeling a bit ignored as I haven't been home for like three days except to sleep. He actually said he missed talking to me, so I know I've been away for a while. I haven't even been keeping up with my blogs. I'm so excited to have this weekend to do a bunch of nothing. We might even make it out for a date night, it's been way too long.

We found out Thursday that my mom is going to have another surgery, probably on May 5th. And after that the doctor wants her to do chemotherapy. It's a little scary, but I think I'm really just more worried that she won't agree to it. She's worried about how all the side effects will make her feel, which I can totally understand, but if it'll help her keep this cancer away for a little longer I think it's worth it. Hopefully with all the support from her sisters and me she'll feel strong enough to handle it.

So, knitting. Well, since I had to get Aunt Vicki's birthday socks done in time for her birthday and all, that's about all I'd been knitting. I finally got a picture of them before they were gifted away.



As far as I can tell she loved them. I know she kept mentioning that she would have to get a new pair of clogs to show them off. Nothing like a well received gift. Now that that's over with I'm back to the ruffle scarf, after tinking a bit so that I could remember the pattern which I didn't bother to write down since it was so easy. Should have known better.

Sharing The Love

First, I'll share my stash. Not as much as some, but I'm pretty proud of it. Now seems a good time for my not-so-frequent reminder that you can click on any of my pictures to see a bigger size.

Here's the corner where all my yarny goodness lives. Except for the backpack of leftover partial skeins which is in the closet. I didn't pull that out and don't consider it stash (denial I know hehe). And the yarn I got from my SP which I don't know where to put. As you'll see, the drawers are pretty much full...



And working from the top down we have:

My needles, stitch markers, tape measures, and other random accessories


Cotton for dishcloths, my handspun yarn, and some fixation


The sock yarn drawer


Spinning stuff


My Cascade 220 collection (anyone surprised that's what I have a whole drawer of?)


Random yarn I don't really have plans for yet, some more sock yarn that won't fit up top, and the yarn for my shapely tee


And finally the yarn that has been set aside for a specific pattern


So, show me yours!

The other meaning to the title is that I'm completely thrilled I'll finally be able to share my love of knitting with someone I love. My mom has decided, after finding out she doesn't have lymphedema (yaay!) that she'd like to learn to knit so she could knit hats for charity. I love that I can share knitting with her. I am totally excited that she's going to have a hobby (I think I've mentioned that I worry that she doesn't have much to do). And I think it's wonderful that she wants to help others, which I really should do more of with my knitting. I'm thinking next weekend when I go do my laundry I'll get her started. SO HAPPY!

Still Around

Just haven't felt the blogging thing lately. Well, at least writing. I'm sure you all've noticed that I can't help but keep up with everyone else. School's been crazy as usual, but mostly just cause of my procrastinating. One huge test tomorrow and then spring break though, so it's ok. I'm so looking forward to a whole week of sleeping late, knitting all day, and most importantly no homework. Woohoo!!

Oh yeah, and my mom decided her car didn't work and that she would wait two weeks to get into a specific mechanic (I realize it's hard to find one who's good and trustworthy, but sakes!) so I had to drive her around for a while. Wouldn't have bothered me much, except I knew there was nothing wrong. Her car died in the driveway, but she restarted it to get it all the way into the garage and it was fine. So playing chauffeur has cut into my laziness too. Plus it reminded me why I moved out and why I see her once a week. I can't take more than that. I love my mom but we just don't get along if we have to be together more than a couple hours a week.

As far as knitting goes, I haven't been doing a lot. I have been working on my shrug/capelet and it's finally finished (blocking right now actually). My first sweater! Ok, so it's a short, cropped sweater, but it counts. I'm pretty proud as I had to upsize it from a size small to a size *cough cough* and it actually fits. I'll make Jaime take some pictures once it's dry.

Since finishing that I've been trying to work on other things I've had on the needles for way too long, but I'm just not feeling some of them. Now that the weather is getting better I'm not much in the mood to knit my stripey scarf, although actually they say it'll be cold next week so maybe then... And my bright fun socks are making me crazy. I'm just trying to finish them so they'll be over with. I love the colors, but the yarn is making me crazy. It's that fun stretchy Fixation which I love in theory, but at the sides where I switch needles there's a ladder no matter what I do. I've tried knitting a bit tighter, super tight, looser then usual, and just normally and nothing is helping. Ahhh! Oh, and this is my second pair of Addi's that have had the coating totally rub off. It only happens to my sock knitting pair though... All in all it's just a mess. And I love my clapotis, but it goes so slowly it seems almost pointless to knit on it. I wouldn't consider myself a "product knitter" but I at least like to see some sort of progress.

OK, enough whining! I should go study now anyway. I'll be back with a fun (read: with pictures) post soon. Have a great day!

***ETA*** Nearly forgot. For those of you wondering, no, the tornados (or microburst as those fancy weather people like to call it) didn't get me. In Lawrence, 40 or so minutes away, there was quite a bit of damage, enough to cancel classes on Monday. But here we got teeny hail for maybe 5 seconds and that's about it. Being a girl who's lived in KS her whole life and quite a fan of storms, I'm rather disappointed that I STILL haven't ever seen a tornado. So yeah, I'm fine :)

We're Engaged!

Not that it was huge surprise, but last night Jaime proposed. It was the most amazing evening. He was worried about not being able to make it something over the top, but while it didn't involve skywriting or anything it was completely us. We ordered some carry out from the best Chinese place in town and had a terribly romantic candle-lit dinner. He even bought some wine glasses so we could drink our wine out of something besides plastic cups. Anytime I can eat dinner without shoes on and feeling free to burp if necessary I'm happy :)

After dinner he got nervous and it was so sweet. He gave a little speech for a few minutes, how he feels about me and us and everything. Then he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I was crying too hard to actually say yes, but I nodded.

Here's the ring. It's really really hard to take a picture of my own hand and make the ring look even remotely decent.



I'm a happy happy girl! One of the best parts was when I called my mom this morning and she was happy for me. She and Jaime have had their differences, but they're both getting along pretty well now. It just meant everything to me when she said she was looking forward to his joining the family. It's so hard when two people you love can't get along.

Well, that's my story. Sorry if it was too gushy. I hope everyone else had a great Valentine's Day. Today I have a million things to do unfortunately. I'll post an update on my Olympic Knitting soon though. I think I may have picked the wrong project, but we'll talk about that later.

Have a great day!

"If I Had a Million Dollars..."

Bonus points if you know who did that song.

Knitting has been coming along. I have been working on Jaime's socks when I get the chance, it's still small. I swear I keep knitting and it doesn't grow at all. I actually started working on my Blue 'n' Brown Stripey scarf some more. Nothing like spring weather to make me break out the double layer wool haha. Actually I got a good tip from someone on one of the knitting lists about using a Russian Join. I had to try it and it works soo well. Now I don't have all those ends staring at me as I knit. Much less scary. No pictures as it also looks just like before but with fewer ends and a couple more stripes. Clapotis is looking great. I'm still on the increases, but I'm much more happy with it now. Here's how big it is so far.



And here's a close-up.



Not the best picture... But what is that you see? Why yes, it's a new pretty stitch marker. Ignore the cheapy plastic ones. I finally went to the bead store and got some supplies to make a few stitch markers for myself. I adore them! Unfortunatley I only bought enough to make 4 (sort of a trial). Here are the other two.



Aren't they pretty! And they had sooo much other cool stuff there. This is where we get to the title of this post. I'm dying for some new craft supplies! I need some new wire cutters and pliers and such. I need some more stitch marker supplies now (I used closed jump rings and head pins if anyone's curious). And then there's the yarn. Ahhh the yarn. And there are so many fun classes I'd like to take to learn more about knitting, jewelry making, scrapbooking, crocheting. Not enough money in the bank or hours in the day.

Luckily I have great friends who will treat me with stuff and make me feel better. I got this in the mail from Cathi. I traded her some yarn for her extra copy of Stitch 'N Bitch. She sweetly included some other goodies.



The other books is Knitticisms and it's really fun. It has some great vintage type knitting pictures in it and some funny little stories by knitters on our obsession. And there was a great card and one of those little "LUV @ BLOG" posty-note pads that so many people have now. I've already used it a couple times. Thanks Cathi!!

Yesterday I took my mom to the gynocological oncologist. We were there for a couple hours, but it went pretty well. My mom has a couple options for treatment. Aparently the information she was getting wasn't necessarily factual. I don't know if she'll decide to go with a treatment, she's kind of anti-medicine and paranoid about side effects and such. After the appointment (and getting up really early to make it there in time) I was supposed to go to class, but I kinda gave up on that after being there 2 hours. So afterwards my mom and I went to Whole Foods Market for some lunch. They have some pretty neat stuff in the grocery section; I'm not thrilled by their hot meals selection, but my mom loves it. The lady behind the lunch counter knew my mom and asked how her surgery had gone, it was so sweet! After lunch we went back to my mom's house and talked some before I headed hom. It was a really nice day. I didn't miss class at all haha.

And speaking of school, I finally took a few pics today (once the sun decided to come out). Here's the view from our appt straight out.



It's Memorial Stadium where the football team plays. It's directly across the street from us, which bugs Jaime to death. I sorta like being so close to the action. Here's the view from our appt up towards campus.



You can see the Campanile (the tower) which everyone walks through during graduation on their way down the hill and into the stadium. Superstition says if you walk through before that you won't graduate. Here's a picture of the building I spend most of my time in, Summerfield Hall.



It houses the Business School and the Economics Department. So I gues it sorta makes sense that it's about the most boring building on campus. Not the ugliest mind you, I'll show you that one next time. This is the view up another large hill on campus from across from Summerfield (another reason to hate the building, too much walking up and down hills).



Not the best picture, but you can see the tops of some buildings and some trees that aren't quite green yet. And this is one of the prettier trees on campus (as well as the remaining tulips), next to the Physical Education Building.



I would have had some great pictures of tulips, they were all over campus. Key word "WERE". The grounds people were ripping them all out today to rotate to another type of flower. It amazes me that they do this. They planted them probably a month ago, they were amazing for like a week, and now they're being ripped out. Craziness! So that was part one of your tour. Next time I'll get some pictures of the the main campus road and buildgins, as well as maybe a few of the amazing Greek houses. Those houses are enough to make me want to rush (ok, I'm secretly desperate to be in a sorority, don't tell).

Have a great day everyone!

I'm So Scared

I found out last night that my mom has breast cancer. Just typing that is so hard for me. They found a "red flag" a few years ago that she might get it eventually, but that really doesn't make it any easier. She's getting a double mastectomy next Wednesday and I'm so terrified. She's so important to me. Luckily I don't have anything to do so I'll be there for her when she's in the hospital and when she gets out. And I have plenty of knitting and reading to do while I'm waiting. It's really sweet, everyone seems to be really worried about me. One of my aunts wanted to fly here from Florida but she has taken care of so many people so my mom said she didn't need to. My dad's going to visit me in the hospital and my Grandma (on my dad's side) might stay with me some of the time cause she's in town. I guess it's nice to know that so many people care about her and about me.

I haven't cried this much in a very long time.

*Sigh*

Had a great day back in JoCo yesterday. I got my brakes replaced, but of course now I need a new tire. Stupid car is never completely happy, but it still works. How's that for positive thinking? :) I got my new pretty cell phone. I LOVE my new pretty cell phone. It doesn't fully work yet (have to call and get the service turned on Monday) but I've already had fun playing around with it. I snuck a picture of Jaime pigging out hehe. He informed me that it's illegal to take pictures of someone without their knowing it. What a silly-head! So I got to spend some time with my daddy in his usual bar and we had some of their pizza (sausage with "lots of onion"). They have the absolute best pizza in the entire universe! Yummm. And when I left he gave me some really tasty peanut brittle. Jaime doesn't like it and neither does my daddy (which is only the tip of the iceberg of ways that they are completely alike, but we won't go there), which just means more for me :)

Then I went to my mom's house. I finally got to have my felting party. Well ok, it wasn't exactly a party; I felted my Sophie. I didn't get to felt my super pretty black hat with fun fur trim (that matches my fun fur scarf) that my mom thinks I made for her. Ooops! I told her how to felt it though and I'm getting over the loss of my hat. At least she really likes it... I dug out the Christmas stuff from my mom's basement too, but I forgot to take it with me. Our apartment is so tiny that we're using this miniature tree with miniature ornaments my mom and I got at Hallmark like 6 years ago. It's cute, but not as Christmassy as I'd like. I'm big on real trees.

It's probably a good thing that I didn't get the tree and stuff because then I'd have another distraction from studying for finals (and I have PLENTY as it is). I should be studying now haha. I'm sure it'll all be ok, and no matter what happens I'm not going to get any grades too terrible, but I'm still stressing. I don't really care about my grades so much, but I'm actually more worried about letting down my family. Ok, I know it's terrible, but I can't help it! I'm seriously obsessed with making other people happy and now that involves getting good grades. I swear, my grandma has my grades from the past year framed!!! Talk about pressure. Jaime is amazing about helping me get over this, but it's so hard. I guess they're bound to realize that I'm not perfect eventually, and now's as good a time as any :)